Tales of an Edwardian Adventuress

[edwardian_adventuress]

 

A yellowed, slightly water-damaged stack of paper on which Charley has written her thoughts. A continuation of the memoirs she was trying to write before the Doctor picked her up all those years ago.

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Week 23, Day 6

[edwardian_adventuress]

It's been almost a month since I arrived on the Charon. So many things have happened that I wish I could forget. I'm so grateful I could find what pieces of paper and writing implements I could so that I could write things out. I don't want any of this on the compass. I don't want anyone to know. The horrible ones among us would either use it against me or laugh at me, and the good would look down on me for being such a pathetic little girl who still dreams of a life like the books I grew up reading. My head says that sometimes, the heroine of the tale doesn't win, but my heart wishes it were different.

Sometimes I dream of him. My Doctor. Maybe it's because of that time long ago when he and I momentarily became one person, and I'm longing for that other part of me. That's not possible, though, since the Doctor (Doctors in fact) that I once knew are dead, and other Doctors have taken their place. It's more likely that it's just because I miss the familiarity of him. The one thing in my life that, for a time, was someone I could call mine. My Doctor.

I miss how soft his velvet jacket was when he'd hug me close. I miss the way he smiled. I miss his voice. I miss the scent of honey that was always around him. I miss when his curls would fall into his eyes as he worked on the TARDIS, and how he'd sing to himself with his lovely voice as he tinkered. I miss our banter. I miss the light in his blue, blue eyes when he'd take my hand and pull me out of the TARDIS to show me something wonderful. I miss days in the butterfly room. I miss nights having dinner at some restaurant on a far-off planet in the back of beyond. I miss sitting in the chairs in the console room and having a quiet cup of tea, listening to tales of his past adventures, and all the important people he'd met. I miss teasing him about how much of a ridiculous name-dropper he was. I miss the care he had, and how he'd hold me when I'd been hurt. I miss his tenderness and his gentle spirit, and I miss the hard edge when someone had crossed a line with him. I miss how ferociously he protected me, or tried to.

I miss the very few, but very precious times that he told me he loved me. I don't even begrudge him for being terrified of that feeling. Our lives were dangerous. How hard must it be to feel that way about someone who could die tomorrow, and who would certainly die long before he even grew old? How could you dare to love when your hearts could be broken so quickly?

I miss how it was the Doctor and Charley against the universe.

And nobody understands. How could they? It might have been so very recent to me, but to everyone else, I'm the long-dead past, or an abstract future they don't really need to worry about. Then there are the others who only really know what they've seen on this ship. To them, I'm really just the new girl. The interloper. The one invading their little family on the Charon. They're good people, so they're not cruel, but how could they not think that way? The Doctors here are their Doctors, after all. Who am I but a faded memory?

Charles says to move on. Give Ten my forgiveness and then give him space. Of course I should. To him, all I am now is not only a faded memory, but a bad one. I can't help that it hurts, though. I know how the Doctor is, how it's so hard for him to forgive himself anything, even when it isn't his fault. I know how he likes to run away and be alone. I'll force myself to, even if I don't want to. I'm too used to standing by the Doctor's side when things are hard. Still, I have to remember that this isn't my Doctor. This Doctor doesn't need me, nor does he want me around as a reminder of when things went wrong. He made that abundantly clear when he shut me out.

Still, when I get the chance, I'll find him and force him to at least listen to my forgiveness, even if he doesn't accept it. And then I'll walk away. There is no Charley and the Doctor anymore. There hasn't been since I arrived here. There's just me, and I have to learn to fend for myself. A hardened heart is an unbreakable one.